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But after using the app for so long, I've also noticed certain patterns in the way men present themselves via their Tinder profiles.

Well The Animal Lover has you right where he wants you. The Riddler is a guy all too common on Tinder, a man who for personal or professional reasons has chosen to remain a mystery on his profile. Well, here's a hint: If it's a group shot, always choose the ugliest guy in the picture. Initial profile pic shows a man, smiling with his eyes, pausing for a moment to capture a perfect moment forever.

How much do you like to cuddle while discussing indie music? Instead, The Old Man will lay the charm on thick because, at this point in his life, it's all he has left.

"We can say we met in a Whole Foods" another classic old mannerism, in that it's a line people haven't used on Tinder since the dark ages.

(SWIPE LEFT) But those of you single and ready to swingle are probably well-versed in the dating app taking the world by storm. But, because of its ease of use and likelihood of being able to "get it in" on a bi-monthly basis, Tinder attracts all kinds. The more confident of this species may even list size if he is so inclined.

The concept is simple: Sign in using your Facebook account, pick your best photos (most of mine originated from the Hubble Space Telescope for prime thinness), and begin swiping people you want to date to the right, and people who must really REALLY have some serious issues happening if your desperate ass doesn't want to date them, to the left. (Only here in LA, for example, most people are swiping for dates when they SHOULD be rehearsing lines for their upcoming CSI: Miami audition as Cadaver 1.) Sounds simple enough, right? For this guy, there is no physical detail or fetish too personal to lay on the line on Tinder. Look, if he took *IT* *OUT* I suggest swiping left for sanitary purposes alone.

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